Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

You wail like a bawling infant, throw your milk bottle to the floor in a rage, but then you’ll calm down as soon as the ice cream arrives.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

You will bite your lip until it bleeds because you hate confrontation. But if you’re angry long enough, you’ll start punching walls and throwing things.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

You will start screaming. You will keep screaming. And if people are able to make out what you’re saying, it consists of nasty insults designed to destroy your opponent’s self-esteem.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

You will withdraw into your hard little turtle shell, but not before making several passive-aggressive comments about the hairstyle of the person who made you angry.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

You will explode into a white-hot rage and throw everything that belongs to the person who angered you out of your bedroom window and onto the front lawn. Then you’ll get so tired from being angry, you’ll fall asleep. When you wake up, you’ll forget what made you angry in the first place.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

You will immediately act as if the person who made you angry is dead. You will block them on your phone and all social media and ignore all their attempts to apologize. You will sulk silently in the darkness, hoping that you’ve made them as angry as they made you.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

You are a peacekeeper by nature. When you’re angry, your way of “keeping the peace” is to avoid all interaction with the person who offended you. Your main goal is to never let them know they’ve made you angry.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

Passive-aggressive and non-confrontational by nature, you will exact a cold and cruel revenge. You will call the employer of the person who made you mad and share all the text messages where they complain that their employer is an idiot who deserves to die.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

Imagine a nuclear bomb going off. Now imagine that in the frame of a petite and usually prim girl who just slammed a door because she’d rather walk away than expose the person who angered her to fatal radiation. Sound familiar? Of course it does!

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

You will neither forgive nor forget. You’d really like to slice their throat, but that carries certain legal entanglements you’d rather not bother with. So instead you withhold forgiveness forever, knowing that it’s like gently stabbing the person over and over.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

You hate arguments and fights. Even more, you hate the person who started the argument and fight. So instead of arguing, you will order a pizza, watch Netflix in your pajamas, and screen their calls.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

Most of the time, you will bottle it up and take out your anger on yourself. But sometimes that bottle will explode, and heaven help the person who’s in harm’s way of that explosion. It won’t be pretty, but that’s what they get for making you angry in the first place.