Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

You stay in bed, order one pizza every week, and lose 40 pounds over the next three months.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

You stay in bed, order three pizzas a day, and gain 40 pounds over the next three months.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

You learn a new language. Take up a new hobby. Travel to another country. Do anything to make you forget him. But you can’t forget him.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

You swear off of love forever. You say “love” is a stupid idea. You learn to hate the idea of love. And it’s all because you still love him.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

You listen to love songs, even when you don’t want to—you can’t avoid them. Suddenly they’re everywhere. You don’t understand why all these singers are trying to torture you, because obviously they’re talking about the love you just lost…right?

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

You go on dating sites and immediately look for someone to fill the emptiness inside you. And after every encounter, you feel emptier.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

You start dating guys who remind you exactly of him. Then you start dating guys who are the complete opposite of him. Then you stop dating altogether. And then you wish you and him were still dating.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

You start drinking. And smoking. And taking risks you’ve never taken before. In your desperate attempt to put the pieces back together, you start falling apart.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

You check your phone, Facebook, and email every two minutes—that is, when you aren’t checking it every minute. You try to read hidden messages into everything he posts. Your brain tells you to stop, but your heart tells you to keep checking, holding out one tiny last strand of hope.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

You take all the blame. Then you take none of the blame. Then you decide you don’t care about who’s to blame, get dressed, and go out on the town.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

You wonder what went wrong. You sit alone, going over ever every little incident—every fight, every mean word, every tiny incompatibility. You try to figure out what happened. And you never figure it out.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

You erase all his photos, block him from all social media, block his phone number, and then sit in your bed pouting because you miss him so much. Then you write him a long letter, but you never send it.