Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

He makes irrational decisions. Aries are one of the worst signs to make a long term commitment to because they always put themselves first and have a fickle nature — a terrible combination for someone you’re planning to invest a ton of time and energy into. At any given point they could wake up one day and realize they want to move to Bali — a plan which does not, for a single second, consider you. Good luck to whoever is willing to be someone’s afterthought, but it’s not you.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

He’ll never open up to you. Taureans dangle a healthy relationship in front of you like a carrot, maybe if you just put one more month into them, they’ll finally stop being so paranoid and suspicious of you and realize you are going to be careful with their heart. This will never happen, and it’s very frustrating because you are so close. But “close” to happy and healthy isn’t the same as actually being healthy and happy. You only live once and you don’t have time to wait around forever.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

You’re always going to feel like their mother. Geminis like to describe themselves as “passionate” but what this actually means is that they are emotional terrorists who will change the course of their life 5 times over the course of a week and expect you to pick up the pieces. By no longer being with them you are no longer consenting to a life of following them around, trying to reign them in, reminding them to do basic life tasks, and being treated as if you’re a massive wet blanket just for being a normal adult.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

He was a downer, tbh. There’s no breakup quiet so weightless than breaking up with a Cancer. The sun shines brighter, the spring air feels fresher — you swear you can hear birds singing in the background. Cancers are so moody, and sensitive, and always want to talk about their feelings. It’s all very serious and intense, and it can feel a lot like a drag. Embrace your new life where you can joke, laugh and feel like everything is a little bit lighter.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

He made everything about him. Leos are special snowflakes who need to be complimented and given attention in significant doses or they’ll pout the day away. Being free from a Leo means suddenly having a lot more time and energy for everything else in the world that’s not dealing with their massive ego. Plus, you can do something and enjoy the attention you deserve without worrying about how jealous it will make them.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

He was never going to let life be fun. Virgos special talent is that they can suck the fun out of anything. No matter how hard you work to make something fun, they’ll work even harder to make it planned and orderly — or find something that you could be doing just a little bit better. Life is too short for this, lasting relationships are made up of people who have fun together. You are now free to go find this.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

He was never going to put you first. The cold, hard truth about dating a Libra is that they will put more love and effort into someone they met five minutes ago than someone they’ve known and loved for five years. They’re charmers, it’s their nature to want to win someone over — even if it comes at the expense of someone they already love.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

He is not good at love, period. Scorpios are not loving creatures. They can be melted into a relationship if you try really hard, but it’s not their natural state and when the going gets tough their natural fight or flight instinct kicks in. Loving a Scorpio is an uphill battle, forever. Isn’t that idea tiring? Wouldn’t you rather just exhale and be with someone who doesn’t make it so damn difficult?

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

He can’t take anything seriously. Not even (especially not) forever type love. He’s a man child you will have to care for and baby indefinitely. Even the most down ass babe wants someone who can hold it together every once in awhile and go ten minutes without cracking a fart joke.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

His heart is cold and small. He only cares about people in terms of what they can do for him. He isn’t loving, he isn’t nurturing — all he ever wanted from you was the appearance of having something that people in our society tell him is something attractive to have. He’s like an alien who doesn’t actually understand people, but desperately wants to appear human.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

He will always look down on you. All Aquarians have a bit of a superiority complex. They think they’re so singularly smart and unique that no one could possible ever fathom them. They’ll condescend to you and explain things that you, while being totally oblivious to the fact that you don’t need things explained to you. It’s very hard for them to make someone feel like they are an equal partner, and you deserve at least that much.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

He made you feel stupid. Pisces think they have the market cornered on being ~*~deep~*~ and thinking intellectual thoughts. The effect is that they treat everyone else as if they couldn’t possibly understand the world the way a Pisces does — and everyone else is a shallow little dummy in comparison. Wake up Pisces! It’s no fun to be with someone who constricts the way you can and cannot think and speak to this degree.