Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

You text everyone from last night and demand that you all go day-drinking, because that’s the only way to bring you out of this darkness.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

You wake up feeling like death and then immediately FaceTime your friend to talk about how awful you both feel, because misery loves company.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

You casually puke in the bathroom and then immediately rejoin your friends at the lovely group brunch you’re currently taking part in.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

You forget that you’re hungover because your friend is in so much pain that you have to tend to them and their day-after regrets instead of your own.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

You ignore how awful you feel and then immediately go to the gym to sweat everything out because you’re convinced it’s the only way you’ll survive.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

You make promises to yourself and to the universe that you’re never, ever going to do this again and you’re sorry for everything (even though you’ll get convinced to do it again tonight or next weekend).

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

You feel totally okay about the fact that you feel like literal hell, because you’re surrounded by all your friends and they all feel awful too that somehow makes it more tolerable (and even slightly funny).

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

You somehow convince all of your friends that the best meeting place for everyone to hang out and commiserate together is your home, even if it’s totally out of the way.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

You scroll through all of the pictures on your phone that show how much of a blast last night was, because when you do that, you don’t mind the insane headache and nausea as much.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

You make a to-do list of all the things you’re going to accomplish once your body is back to normal, because that makes you feel slightly less shitty about how worthless you’re being right now.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

You find a documentary or a new tv series that is so intense that it actually distracts your brain from thinking about all the stupid things you did last night.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

You text your friends to see how they’re feeling and to tell them that you had so much fun with them last night, while you lie face-down in your pillow and contemplate that you might actually be dying right now.