Masturbation is a completely normal part of life that just about everyone you know participates in. However, masturbating can be difficult when you hate the body you were born in. This was the case for one transgender man who explains how because of the fact that he was born female, he had a hard time loving himself. But after a night of getting to know his body more intimately, his entire perspective changed.

Masturbating. Buck Angel writes via the Stranger about how he learned to love his body— through masturbating. Angel explains how he was born a woman, but never felt like one. Because of this, he grew up hating his body.

S*xual. For years, Angel says he struggled with s*x. While he considers himself a s*xual person by nature, having s*x was always particularly difficult because of the way he felt about his body. Angel recalls a life of depression because he was never comfortable living his life as female.

Depressed. “I remember feeling so depressed in that body. I remember wishing every day that somehow, some way I would magically become G.I. Joe and have this supermasculine man body, one with muscles and abs, one in which I could feel comfortable taking my shirt off at the beach, having people run their hands across it and say, ‘Wow, you have a nice chest,’” writes Angel, via the Stranger.

Under the influence. In an attempt to fulfill his s*xual desires, Angel would get intoxicated or do drugs so that he could bring himself to have s*x in his body. But soon enough, he realized that being under the influence so often was keeping him from facing reality.

Denial. “But then at one point I realized I was really not feeling anything or remembering anything, and when I finally stopped drinking and using drugs, I was faced with this newfound awareness of how much I really wasn’t connected to my body. It’s funny how, when you are not wasted, you have to face life, and you either deal with it and try to learn from that or just stay in denial even while sober,” writes Angel, via the Stranger.

Realization. Angel explains that he decided to give being sober a chance, and made some shocking realizations. He finally accepted that while his body was female, he was not. Being in denial was only keeping him from loving himself properly.

Sober. “While sober, I realized my body was not lining up with my identity. My identity was male. My body was female. This was, in a sense, killing me. It’s a very hard thing to get across to someone who doesn’t have this problem, but just imagine for a minute that your body isn’t yours,” writes Angel.

Epiphany. But one day, Angel says his entire life changed when he woke up in a new body. Angel says that after waking up in the mood, he decided to masturbate. But this time, it was different. This time, masturbating helped him to finally feel connected to his body.

Miracle. “Then one day I woke up in a new body. One that resembled G.I. Joe. The one I always dreamed of. It was a f****** miracle. I am not kidding—it was a miracle that I will never forget. I remember this day so vividly because it’s the day that forever changed the way I felt and connected to my body,” he writes.

Hormones. Angel explains that he’d been taking hormones, and as a result his clitoris had become enlarged. When he masturbated, he explains he mainly focused on that part of his body to get off. But this time around, he decided to explore even further.

New parts. “While rubbing my clit, somehow my hand found its way to the opening of my vag**a, my hole. I had never been comfortable touching that area of my vag**a before. But this morning for some reason I was drawn to that part of my genitalia,” writes Angel.

Orgasm. Angel says that before he knew it, he was penetrating himself using his hands, when all of a sudden he experienced one of the best orgasms he’d ever had— a vag**al orgasm. That’s when he realized that he needed to change his perspective of himself.

Connected. “In that moment, I knew that I had finally connected with my body. It was like my body was telling me that I was okay. That I could have this vag**a and still be a man. That enjoying my vag**a s*xually was up to me and no one else,” writes Angel.

New doors. For first time, Angel says he felt like he didn’t have to try and hide who he really was. Masturbating and exploring his body helped open up new doors for him and taught him that it was time to love himself.

Honest. “Those feelings came to me the first time I penetrated myself, the first time I was honest with myself. The first time I really learned to love myself,” writes Angel, via the Stranger.

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